Cold Tomorrow

“I knew that our love would last, or so I hoped and believe // Once again, I’m falling so fadt from a loving world I conceived.”

And so begins this entry.

The preceding was from my most heart-wrenching song I’ve written to date – called ‘Cold Tomorrow.’. It is, at the same time, the most beautiful song I’ve concocted, as well. The story, however, is no longer heart-wrenching nor beautiful. It’s now …. history.

She is a beautiful young lady from the Bronx. I met her the day after her 26th birthday and we struck a great rapport with each other. The bond grew like wildfire. All the things this woman wanted in a man, I exemplified. She even went so far as to say that I was a man much like her father – and that was “the highest compliment” she could pay a man. It was a wonderful beginning to a great whirlwind romance! I was smitten with her, and she was smitten with me.

Or so I thought. One problem:

Enter another man in the picture. One she wanted a whole lot more than me. One who was more of a challenge than me. One who came chronologically before me. Yet – one who didn’t offer her what she needed. So something that was supposed to be fulfilling turned into one of the worst heartaches I ever felt.

Months rolled by. I finally picked up the pieces and proceeded. The one good thing about songwriting is that it’s a theraputic avenue for your thoughts. So many of the more recent songs are dedicated to this woman – but the story is not done.

We reconnect six months later – and get back to where we were, or so I thought. She went her separate from the other guy, but she still held a torch for him. When he decided to move forward with someone else? My chances of showing her the love she always wanted was over. She was severely heartbroken – and was too blinded by anyone who wanted to love her. All she saw when it came to intimacy was pain. How can anyone love you from a source of deep pain?

I held out hope that she would heal and come back to me – but on the night the Yankees won the World Series on November 4th of this year? Just like the Major League Baseball season, my desire for her went away. You can only take so many doors slamming in your face by the same person.

The coup de grace was when I e-mailed her one of my songs for her to listen and critique it. She’s an avid music listenser. She knew about my intentions about further my songwriting career and I thought she would help in that. Seven months later, I’m still waiting for a response from her.

So below here is a message directed toward this young lady:

I wanted to give you my heart, soul, mind and body. I wanted to bond with you in a way no one else would. I thirsted for transforming your life from that of pain to that of pleasure. Unfortunately, you’re still stuck on pain. You are very attractive, eclectic, intelligent, charming and warm-hearted. But you’re also self-absorbed, painfully insular and over-protective of your greatest gidt – your heart. Because of that over-protection, I wrote a song about it – where, at the end of the musical creative process , I sat at my console and cried such bitter tears that it hurt to listen to how negatively you affected my heart. It was, though, theraputic, just like this entry. So – all I have to say to you is this: Dear? I love you very much – as a human being, and as a friend. Alas, I won’t ever be in love with you, because you can’t fully appreciate a man like me.

Many blessings!

“Patience Is Strength” – Update #3: Positivity

Two weeks ago, I was beseiged by difficulty in my personal life – minor difficulties. I had to discover for myself that I am a brand. Now, to some, that may sound very presumptuous and arrogant. However, I know one of these days, I may have to answer asinine questions.  Questions that don’t have anything to do with my art.  Why? Because, unfortunately, as one of my long time friends loves to say, “Everybody loves a trainwreck.” I had to tell my friends on my social networking sites to keep in mind that I’m on the cusp of running a business – and more importantly – I am that business.

It spiralled into a contentious conversation with my ex-girlfriend of four years. After expressing to my friends that I need to mature and that I’m done with being so blue with my humor on my pages toward them – I was accused of being selfish. That may be true, but my question would be, “Who’s more concerned about me? You? Or me?” The conversation negatively spiralled downard into ‘reliving.’ Now – for those who are mature enough to understand what I mean? You know. For those who don’t? It felt as though my soul went back in time back to 2005 – a time when I was broken, a time when I was hurting, a time when I was the most confused. Earlier this year, I made a promise to myself after I was at my most depressed and angriest, in 2008, to never go back to the past. However, I am human, and I took that step back with this woman. After hearing charges levied against me that were four years old, I discovered this person hasn’t forgiven me – and never will. Even after promising me that we would forgive each other, put things in the past and be friends, I understood that our agreement was conditional on her part.

I feel within me that God spoke to me and said, “Make a clean break from this bitch – because she’s bringing you out of your character, you weak ass punk!” Yes, my God speaks very frankly to me. After telling her that I was done with her, I slept off the immediate pain – but that type of venom can take away some emotional and mental energy. So it took a few days for me to get back to my normal self.

Why am I talking about these situations? Well, it’s obvious to me: In order to truly be the best man/entertainer/singer/songwriter/producer/humanitarian I can be? I must rid myself of those things which take my joy away from me. When I am negative about anything, my focus immediately goes directly toward that issue. To be as healthy as I can be, I must forgive. Otherwise, I would want to physically do damage to that person/place/thing. I am a Christian not because I’m perfect. I’m a Christian because I need help and I am grossly imperfect. It’s also not about religion for me. It’s about spirituality. Religion is about politics, rituals and traditions – not for me. Spirituality is strictly about the one-on-one relationship between you and God – which is for me. If I were atheist, or agnostic? I would be in jail – because, as a human being, I would want to beat the shit out of so many people on this planet! Since I believe in a Higher Power, I have to tap into the love within me. I’m glad I do – because being negative about things which go wrong about this planet takes too much time, energy and focus. So – I have to focus on what makes me happy.

When I am positive about life? I am peaceful – and I love feeling peaceful. I am full of grace and love. I was given this gift of being a recording artist two months ago. Barring any unforunate circumstances, my project, “Patience Is Strength,” will begin production roughly in three weeks. I’m patiently awaiting for December 7 to arrive. For many of you? Sex is that perfect getaway – where no one can touch you, where everything feels right, where heaven is truly at your front doorstep. For me? I love sex – but put me in front of a keyboard to write one of my songs, or a microphone to record my vocals in the booth – or a different type of microphone to perform in front of a loving, appreciative audience? That is nirvana for me. I can’t be touched. I can’t be upset. I can’t be negative – because I’m being enveloped into my occupational purpose on earth. If I could have sex with music, I would. It is that powerful and meaningful to me. I was reminded that I can’t allow outside forces pull me away from my true purpose. I’m so close to having my dream become a reality. I can’t turn back, now, because others want to be negative around, to or about me.

Thank you very much – and many blessings!

“Patience Is Strength” – Update #2: Who Am I?

Every singer in his or her career strives for longevity (if you’re about the art of the craft). Many are about the fast dollar, and although some get it – others don’t get the true money – that type of money that keeps earning 40 years after you’ve made your stamp on the music world. I’m all about the history of music – not just certain genres, but as many as I can learn. I won’t know more than diehards of many different genres, but I can hold meaningful, and in-depth conversations about the music they love – and convey to them that, even though I’m a recording artist, I’m also a supporter of other artists, as well.

In my infinite wisdom (which is very minute), I’ve rationalized that every singer, rapper, or musician innately understand that your public asks three questions of you – and you must be strong, talented, skilled and intelligent enough to answer them to the best of their satisfaction. Here are those three questions:

• Who are you?

• What are you about?

• Where are you headed?

The best example I’ve seen this applied would be the very talented, emotional, vivacious, incomparable and sexy Jill Scott. The main title of her albums are “Words and Sounds.” She subtitles the albums to depict her emotional state at that present time. Her debut subtitle was “Who Is Jill Scott?” Her follow-up album subtitle was “Beautifully Human,” with the third album’s subtitle being “The Real Thing.” She expertly answered that ‘who are you,’ ‘what are you about,’ and ‘where are you headed’ questions with each successive release – and that’s the model I follow. I already have ideas for the next two albums – and have written songs for the follow-up to “Patience Is Strength.” However, my total concentration must be on this project. So I’m not shortchanging it because it’s true: You only have one chance to make a first impression. It better be the right one – and as each day passes, I know that I am.

So – who am I? I already told you my stage name (previous update entry). I’m divorced with no children at this moment. It’s just me in this journey of mine. I am proudly African-American/Black/a Brotha’ – but my true race is that of a human being. I was born in New Orleans, LA, and moved to Houston, TX when I was two months of age. I had both my parents in the home (and they are still married to this day). I’ve seen life on both ends of the socio-economic spectrum. I’ve seen days where we had plenty – and days where we struggle to keep on the lights, have enough food to eat and clothes to wear (or wear my father’s hand-me-downs). I’m an only child – and a lot of people would classify me as ‘spolied,’ but live in a place where you hear bullet shots while you fall asleep and form your mouth to say that. I could get what I’ve always wanted – but I appreciated things if I got them myself. I’ve been labelled ‘anti-social’ by my grandmother, ‘incorrigible’ by ex-wife and ‘stubborn’ from everyone ranging from my best friend to my father. I agree with all of those assessments – but the one label that describes me best is what my father tried to hammer home in my head. He always wanted me to be a leader and not a follower. All through my development into a man, he tried to hammer home that point. However, and strangely, I knew my path was only going to have Jesus as my companion. When I graduated from high school, he said that I was a loner. He’s right. I didn’t care if anyone followed my lead – and I damn sure wasn’t going to follow anyone.

I can’t complain about my life – but I’ve been through many difficult things — just like anyone else who lives on this great planet of ours! I’ve experienced turmoil with family, terminations from occupations, eviction notices and homelessness. I’ve also have witnessed beauty in so many different shapes and forms, joy, faith, peace and love. A dear friend asked the question, “What do you regret?” My answer then – is the same as now: I regret absolutely nothing! It was my dream since I was 12 to be a recording artist. That was the only thing I would have regretted because I talked myself out of being one. I persevered, kept going – and I got blessed with this chance. So – heartbreaks, heartaches, setbacks and disappointments all shaped me to be where I am and who I am this day. I wouldn’t change any of it – for all of it made me stronger, better, more loving and more capable of accepting this challenge that lies ahead of me.

This album is going to be an autobiography set to music – and although not every song will be sonething I personally experienced? Most of them will be from my own life – intermingled with things I’ve witnessed on my journey to here. “Patience Is Strength” is almost five years in the musical making – but I’ve been writing this collectioin of songs my whole life – and, until this year, I didn’t even know it. My dream will only be fully realized with wondeful individuals, such as yourselves, making an emotional, mental, psychological – and yes, financial, investment into my art. I pray that you enjoy the canvas on which my story will be laid.

Many blessings!

“Patience Is Strength”- Update #1: Dangerous Curves

Hello everyone!  My stage name is Sabs Johnson (I’ll get to the origin of the name in another update), and for those who don’t know – two months ago, my life completely changed for the better.  I received a phone call from a recording company who heard my music and perused my MySpace page the week prior saying that I was ‘very talented,’ and began the process of sending me a contract for the very next day.  A dream that I had since I was 12 – and now?  I’m literally holding said dream in the palms of my hands.  I received it, combed over it, had others in the industry comb over it, had even lawyers comb over it — and, after I was comfortable and convinced it was right for me?  I signed on the dotted lines and my occupation officially changed to ‘recording artist.’  To even dream about this moment was one thing.  To live it?  Is yet another – and I haven’t come down off my cloud yet!

I’m targeting the official beginning of my project to be around December 11th.  It, more than likely, will be sooner – for that is the next big-time date I have circled on my personal calendar!    I’m going to make things much easier for the in-house producers once my album begins.  I’m walking into the studio with 30 songs I’ve either written myself, or others have helped me write – all detailing things that are on my heart.  Right now – I’m going through the last stages of pre-production – that is, I’m formulating, formatting, composing, arranging and writing (in hard copy) all the songs that are to be submitted.  I currently have 25 songs musically written – and 25 songs lyrically written.  So I’m giving myself all of November and the first full week in December to finish the rest of these songs, and learn them.  So I’m in a great creative space, right now.

The title of the project is going to be, “Patience Is Strength.”  Now, it has general significance, no question, but it’s more personal for me – because it is the meaning of my first name.  The material is going to range from the romantic to the political to the social to the sensual to the spiritual – because all those types of issues are a part of who I am as a man and as a person.  It has taken me almost five years to actually write this album the way I wanted it to sound.  I’m about many different topics – and I’m also about many different genres of music, as well.  Know that I do not musically discriminate.  I love diversity in every aspect of my life – and I want my music to reflect that in every way.

One of the songs I’ve yet to lyrically write is part of the actual title of this thread, “Dangerous Curves.”  I was asked, or commissioned, to write a song for a friend of mine’s ’The Curve Network,’ by the man, himself.  I thank him, and their staff so much for the opportunity to write something so near and dear to me – sexy, voluptuous, enticing full-figured/big, beautiful/thick/plump/plus-sized/fat (all of you take your pick) women!  I love them – and I will always continue to love them – whether others lampoon me or not.  My philosophy is this:  I’m not inviting them into the bedroom.  I’m not trying to impress them with the woman I date.  I’m trying to impress MYSELF and my genitalia!

Anyway.  Off my soapbox.  I plan on making this a weekly ‘segment,’ so you all would feel as though you’re a part of it – because, truthfully – you all are!  I love all of you!

Many blessings!

Down To Business

Last month, after slaving away for so long at my dream, I finally have it all realized.  It’s funny when you work so hard at a gift – and you meet with refusal after refusal after refusal …. defeat makes you think so differently about it all.  The Tuesday after Labor Day this year will always hold such significance in my life – because the beginning of the rest of my life started.  All I ever needed was a chance, a crack, a person to take a chance on me.  Now?  That has happened in the form of Tate Music Group.

The game plan, for now, is to get the 30 best songs for me to record.  Since I’m serving as a co-executive producer of my LP?  I have to also place the business cap on top of my bald dome and plunge forward.  Although the title of this blog entry would serve as a great album title – I must name it something that says, ‘Who am I?’

JIll Scott’s first LP was entitled, “Who Is Jill Scott?”  As an artist, she totally gets it.  I’ve always deduced with career recording artists that a first album should answer the perpetual question, ‘Who am I?’  An artist’s second album should perpetually answer the question, ‘What am I about?’  The third – should always answer the question, ‘Where am I headed?’  So the question posed to me – ‘who I am’ – would get answered by the statement, “Patiene Is Strength.”

My parents decided to name me something that, in Swahili, means ‘patience is strength.’  I shy away from wanting to name any of my art my own name.  So you won’t see me title any of my projects, ‘Sabs Johnson.’  Under this name, you all will get a musical understanding of an autobiography.  Believe me.  I’m going to put a lot of work into this project – because my life truly depends upon it.

My next order of business is getting these 30 songs ready and prepared for vocal production.  It’s quite possible I may have to still tweak some musical production with some of my songs I’m going to eventually submit to my record label.  As daunting as that may be – and as tiring as it truly can be – it is just that much more thrilling to prepare something so personal for the world to hear.

For the first time in my adult life – I am so happy!

Not Good Enough

They say that in order to truly be a winner in life, you must taste defeat.  That every person who’s achieved something remarkable had to pay a heavy price on the road there.  That you must sacrifice in order to be truly happy.

I’ve paid my dues in music.  I’ve paid my dues in friendship.  I’ve even paid my dues in intimacy.  All have not fulfilled me in the way I have always felt I deserved.  So it has forced me to ask this question about myself:  Am I worth having happiness of any sort in my life?  Of any sort?  Or do I have to resign myself to just being happy where I find it – and only trust every other living organism but so far?

I would call this depression, but I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I would call this dejection, but I’ll never deject myself in life.  So I’ll call it what it truly is – anger!  Anger at myself.  Anger at how my life is proceeding.  I’ve dealth with how it has proceeded.  I’m not angry about that, anymore.  It’s about how things are going.  Let’s look at things:

Two months ago, I was on a natural high.  I just completed the production of my latest LP, “Along The Esplanade.”  All that was left was to record the vocals.  However, things have gone downhill, since then.  The feeling to produce other material has decreased.  The positive inertia that I had in May is almost flatline just two months later.  I’ve began to shop my material in June, and I haven’t heard a response in return.  I know that I was born to do this in life.  I don’t nearly feel as confident even in the midst of every other area in my life.  In music?   I can literally see, feel, touch and be at one with the beauty.  I’ve made a decision in order to make this an even easier proposition for me, but the going is hard – and only bound to get harder.  Right now?  I feel like it’s not good enough.

My life without music is not a life, at all, for me.  I deferred music in my life for so long that I forgot how to live.  I’ve worked on this talent for many years.  This is not an overnight process, but that door seems ever elusive to crack open.  All I need is a crack.  I don’t need anything else.  Just a crack – and I’ll be more than ready to do what I was born to do – and that’s bless this world with the gift God granted me.  To sit on it would defy God and would stifle me.  It took many years, many horrible relationships and a divorce to embrace that.  Yet, and still, my life is not good enough.

Intimacy.  Now there’s a complicated issue.  I have rapport with a woman where we both know it’s going nowhere beyond where we stand, now.  I guess I have to use that as practice for the next woman.  Then, I have emotions for another woman the likes of which I’ve never felt before – nor will I ever feel again.  I know, because my bones ache from it.  Such a harsh thing, life.  All you do is show someone your genuine interest and humanity.  Yet, because they want to see the worst in people, you either become ovberlooked or ignored – one or the other.  Last month, a friend of mine said it – and my pride wanted to deny it, but my soul took over.  I am in love with this woman.  What hurts is that I can’t say it until the time is right.  It’s long from being right, now.  What sucks is that I have to allow her to process the pain she feels and risk having someone else reap the benefits of my hard-earned, well-timed efforts in showing what I truly feel.  My friend also said, “Back up, but don’t back down.”  Hard to do – especially when you want to turn to this person feeling the way I do, now.  However, just like her with me, I don’t want to burden her with how I feel, right now.  She has too many worries to concern herself with me.  I know that’s how she feels with me – too many irons in my fire to concern myself with her problems.

You guessed it – I feel that I’m not good enough.

Well, dammit!  I’m not good enough – but I’m better than advertised!  This must be a process where I have to become stronger, become more determined, become more steely and become more resolute.  I have to understand that things aren’t always going to go my way – but they will always do so at the most important and critical juncture:  The end of the journey!  I can’t allow setbacks to become points of defeat.  I can’t allow the many “no’s” stop me from what I know I’m truly destined to do.  I can’t allow the anger that I feel for all these scenarios stop me from living the life I was so destined to experience.  John Witherspoon said it best in a comedy show he hosted last year:  “If you have a dream, you must pursue it no matter what.  I drove from Detroit to LA with my Ford Mustang leaking oil and transmission fluid to become the multi-thousandaire that I am, now!”  It’s a very powerful message, but one that rings so true.  Nothing can stop me.  Nothing can deter me.  I have to be even more resolute in knowing that I am going to get to where I am destined to be.  If that means no TV, no movies, the bare essentials for eating and living in order to get to where I deserve to go?  Then so be it!  That’s what I have to do. 

More than fame.  More than fortune.  More than recognition.  MOre than money.  More than even love.  The one thing I want to be more than anything in this world?  Is happy.  I want to be happy in this life.  That trumps every damn thing else!  I want to be happy when I grow up.  I want to be happy when I succeed. I want to be happy when I retire.  I want to happy when I die.  Everything else is supplementary.  MY primary goal is happiness.  And I know, for sure – I’m good enough for that!

Living In The Past

“How am I doing?”  I’m doing just fine no thanks to you!

“What am I doing?”  I’m living my life!

“Where am I going?”  None of your moutherfucking business!

“Do I have anyone in my life?”  Yes.  I have ME IN MY LIFE!!!

Why am I so angry today?  I’ve been divorced for damn near four years.  Yet, my ex-wife still wants to be involved in my life.  She dopesn’t call me – for I told her to not do so two years ago.    However, it doesn’t stop her from calling my father – and raising his hopes sky high to have this cancerous of a presence be intimately in my life again!

Now – I’ll say this:  I wasn’t as mature then as I am, now.  I had a lot of growing to do while I was married.  No no no.  I didn’t have extramarital affairs.  I’ve been the victim of infidelity – and I fell victim to it with her!  I meant that I wasn’t the man I should have been for myself.  Fuck her!  I wasn’t enough man for MY own liking to be with anyone – much less her.  Still – I did everything I could to make our union work.  It fell far short when the struggle ended before it truly began.  Believe me – I heard my father drill it in my head about that very fact since the separation was made known back in the summer of 2005!

Four years later, my father’s eyes light up if I ever mention that I came in contact with her.  Back when Hurricane Ike threatened to tear Houston apart, I erroneously placated my father’s wishes and called her to make sure she, and her family, were doing alright.  As I talked to her, I realized one simple fact:  I have no place in her life – and she has no place in mine:  She is not an ex-wife.  She’s not a friend.  She’s not an enemy.  She is my PAST!!!

There’s a passage in the book of Proverbs in the Bible which states, “Fix your gaze forward.”  That’s what I have to do.  *sighs*  I must do this in order to grow – and the reason why it bothers me so much?  I can literally FEEL the stunting of my growth because of this bullshit!

I met a wonderful woman eight months ago, and, back in May, coming off a wonderful conversation with her, my father tells me that my ex-wife called him at work.  That – and he wanted to talk to me.  Come on, dammit!  She had her chance and she let me go!  Why can’t she fully let me go?  I’m sick of this yo-yo shit!  I don’t call her brothers or her mother asking for advice.  Why is it she has to call my father?  WE AREN’T FAMILY ANYMORE!!!  LET OUR ASSOCIATION DIE!!!

My father and I did talk about things early last month.  Apparently, she’s been spiritually struggling with life and is wanting to have a foundation in fostering it.  I don’t ever knock that with anybody.  She wants to go one step further and join my parents’ church in order to do so.  Now – I already have issues with my parents’ church – to the point where I pulled my 24-year membership from it.  This will cement my disassociation with that church.  I don’t give a damn if my parents attend it or not!  I just hunger for a better life, a new life, a HAPPIER life!

So, the conversation continued with my father as I was driving him to said church.  After wanting to join my parents’ church (to which I gave my blessing – hell, I’m not going there, anymore!), she asked about me.  My father answered, “He’s working on improving his life.  Otherwise, he’s Saburi.”

And that was the best thing he could have ever said.  “He’s just Saburi,” and Saburi is going to go out of his way to make his life much happier than it has been – ever!

There are many factors which play into this:  I’m disappointed with my own direction in life.  I’ve buried my purpose on earth for far too long.  I’ve been too chicken shit to take what was mine because I didn’t want to risk massively failing!  I’m too fucking scared to move because of the unknown!  Now?  My past wants to be in my present and future!!!

NO MOTHERFUCKING MORE!!!  NO MORE!!!

I’ve gathered focus for the first time in my adulthood!  I’m supposed to live life for God!  Not for my friends. Not for a woman.  Not even for myself. For GOD!  I’m going to be, at least, a career songwriter, or I’m going to die trying!  It’s not that I am incapable of doing anything else.  It’s that I HATE doing everything else after a while!  I want hate to be eradicated from my life.  So I’m pursuing this until I can’t breathe.  If I’m 80 and I haven’t made a dent in the music industry?  I don’t give a fuck!  I’m STILL writing to get that chance to be heard!  For nothing else matters!  I’ll have my Plan Bs. Plan Cs, Ds, Es, Fs and Gs – but I am not going to stop pursuing my Plan A – because, quite frankly, it has given me more happiness than anything – or anyone – I’ve ever had in my life!  Because I’m handicapped and shackled to my past being where I am now?  I MUST get the fuck out of here!!!  No!  I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!  I refuse to be afraid to live, anymore!  Fuck the fear of being in a place that’s vastly unfamiliar to me!  If God is truly my Protector, then that means He will guide me when things go awry.  He wants me to be happy – than this shit puts me back in a place that I intentionally left!  So the journey is a blank canvas!  GOOD!  I need to experience new things, try new things, meet new people, travel to new places – so I will know my true worth in the world!  So I will be scared to move no longer!

For those who don’t like the fact that I need to sprout my wings and grow – like God intended for all of us to do?  Then FUCK YOU!!!  I would say that I’m reclaiming my life – but that’s erroneous.  I’m claiming my life for the very first time. God wants me to grow – and He knows I can’t do it, here, any longer. 

It’s as the New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick, said in aninterview with the retired color analyst, John Madden, years ago.  He asked the coach about their successful run in the NFL earlier this decade.  “Your team has been successful year in and year out.  You now have won three Super Bowls in four years.  What is your secret in having such the focus that your team has?”  He answered, plainly, “If you live in the past – you die in the present.”

If you live in the past – you die in the present.  Wow.  Such a powerful sentiment.  It’s such a true one – because I’m beginning to feel part of my soul dying, now.  I must save myself – before I become the walking dead on this earth, and be of no good to anyone — not even myself!

Hopeful Yet Longing

How is it possible to feel both those emotions at the same time?  How is it possible to negotiate your way through both understandings?  How can I still be sane after acknowledging such a fate?

Outside of having such a strong faith (and tapping into it), I have no earthly idea …. lol …. Alas, such is my lot and I must work, and pray, through it.

I’ll start with the ‘longing’ first.  It’s painful when you know something is so good for you that you want to partake of its fruit as soon as possible.  Yet – for circumstances far beyond your control, you can’t do it.  Does it have to do with love?  Yes, it does.  Do I have any ill feelings?  No.  None, whatsoever.  I’m not jilted.  I just hunger for her presence so much that it hurts to be without it in my life.  When life intercedes, you have no other alternative but to be strong enough to bear through it and allow growth to take place.   Because of that?  I have to tap within my namesake and apply the one thing that makes it all worthwhile – patience.

I was reading a book, ‘Why Men Marry Bitches,’ and there was a passage that made perfect sense to me:  “When men have to work at pursuing a woman, they feel a total sense of accomplishment when it turns into a long-term relationship with that woman.”  The message being – that men appreciate something more where they put effort into acquiring  a worthwhile human being in their lives.”  I thought about that when it related to me in my life – and understood why I feel the way I do.  When something is worthwhile in my life, I go after it with such tenacity that anyone can tell me, “You can’t do this/shouldn’t do this,” and it’s as if I didn’t hear them utter the words.  I go after it until either the door closes in my face – or I get what is so rightfully mine – and that’s happiness of the purest form.  I know that I will achieve that with this woman for she speaks to my soul in ways no other has ever done.  My heart grows soft when I even think about her.  My soul grows weary when harm is done to her.  My body craves to be at one with her.  My spirit thirsts to have everlasting and loving peace with her.  The unfortunate part is that I must give her space and time to grow into having her understand that she deserves it – and is worthy of it.  I said I would wait.  I’m not going to say it’s easy.  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life – but I gave my word to her – and I must honor that word with the way I live my life.  She gives me the air in which I breathe – and it’s that rarefied air that will give me the life I was meant to enjoy on earth.

Part of that goes into the ‘hopeful’ camp, too – but I’m more hopeful of the music direction I’m taking.  I’m about to throw myself in a writing frenzy.  I have to conduct some production sessions where I write demos of different genres.  I’m a Black man – but music, just like love, knows no color nor boundaries.  So, to that end, I have to make demos of gospel, R&B, jazz, rock, pop, classical, hip-hop and country songs all created by yours truly.  I want to spread my message to the whole world – not just the Black American world, but the whole world.  So why limit myself?  I’ve hired myself an attorney.  So now creating these demos comes at an even greater price – because I need to have these songs ready for the oncoming publishing companies who will be willing to work with a hungry, talented, skilled and humbled man.  I’ve worked on my craft for a number of years – and those who have come in contact with the songs I write all say similar things:  “You write beautiful songs.”  As wonderful as that sounds, and as big as that would make my head swell, it makes me that much more humble – because my talent is being appreciated.  Those who take the time to give you such reassuring thoughts and words didn’t have to do so.  They could have kept what they felt to themselves – or said that they didn’t like/appreciate your efforts.  So to know you touched them in such a way where they are wowed by the talent God gave you?  It’s a blessing to me – and it humbles me to make more quality material in the near – and distant – future.

Demos.  Then a meeting with my attorney.  Then contracts.  I must tell myself – just like I have to say the same thing about love – that I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to take this risk in my life to be happy and go for what my dreams may be.  I deserve to show the rest of the world how love has inspried me to be the best man I can be.

I pray that I can start by showing how much love I do possess within this body of mine to one particular and special soul.  That would make me the happiest man alive! 

Work awaits me!

Star Of Your Story

I’m going to make this one very short and very sweet:

I just got finished recognizing whose the star of my story.  Where do I get the reference?  There’s a gorgeous, lush song by Heatwave entitled ‘Star Of The Story.’  In it – it tells the story of a man whose growing in love with a beautiful woman in his life and how she mentioned to him that what they are now experiencing was something she only saw as a mirage beforehand.  I love the story – and always have loved the song.  Now, with my muse coming into my life’s picture - I envision singing this song to her.

So give this some thought.  Ladies and gentlemen?  Who is the star of your story?  Who is that one person who makes life wonderful to live – just by his/her mere presence that’s in it?!  Who solidifies the purpose in your life?  Who sparks that flame for you?

I told you it was going to be short and very sweet! …. lmao

The Key To Love

What is that ever-elusive key to love?  Is it romance?  Is it understanding?  Is it respect?  Is it communication?  Is it camaradarie?  Is it commonality?  Is it faith?  Is it intimacy?

Well – truth be told:  It is a combination of all those things.  However, there’s one key that takes the cake.  One that prevents us from truly loving – and one that is the gateway to love the likes of which we’ve never known ….

…. forgiveness!

“What,” you say?  “Forgiveness?  Isn’t that the action you take to excuse someone from their pain that they caused me?  No, thank you!  I need for them to suffer.  Besides – they need to pay for the damage they caused me!”  Firstly – you’re not excusing anyone’s bad behavior once you forgive.  You’re freeing yourself from the damage that person caused you by saying, “I love myself so much that your issues won’t prevent me from growing in love.”

It’s so very easy to want to exact revenge on someone.  I wished bad things to happen with my first ex-girlfriend for 14 years.  You heard me right – 14 years!  I’m sorry.  She left my life a long time ago.  She has no room, nor place in it, anymore.  She gave up that right by disrespecting me!  Howeve,r I allowed her to sabotage many of my future relaitonships because I was so damn angry!  I couldn’t trust another woman because I allowed her negative energy to infilltrate my psyche and soul.  I didn’t desire another woman because I was too weak to place this callous, selfish soul in her proper persective.  I allowed it to ruin a marriage, delay my life, stop from loving anyone — family, friend or mate.  This happened all because I wanted to exist with that chip on my shoulder that said, “Fuck you!”  To have every single action motivated by wanting to rub a person from your past’s face in your success?  Well, that’s not success, at all.  That’s failure.  To live life for someone else not named God or your husband/wife, children and yourself?  That’s failing in life – no matter how you slice it.

I had to get divorced and work through a whole new set of anguish to get past my emotions for my first-ever ex-girlfriend.  My ex-wife once said to me about one of her friends having issues with the dating scene, “The best way to get over one man is to get underneath another.”  Well, thank you very much!  That means I’ll have to pay for the mistakes of other people, too!  That disturbed me – but it made sense because, in a sense, I was doing that, too.

Today?  The energy to live life with hatred in my heart is gone.  The days to use negativity to motivate my actions dissipated with – of all things – getting my heart broken.  I asked for forgiveness – and once I received it, I was able to forgive her.  It is such a freeing thing to me because it allows me to live life, as I said in an earlier blog post, wide open!  I only want to love everyone that comes into my life – and what a life it’s becoming because of learning this one simple lesson.  My passions, my dreams, my heart have all opened itself to greater possibilities – and I’m taking full advantage of this newness of life!

Tyler Perry’s movies and plays center around this theme – and he has said that it opens the door to the life we were all meant to have.  He is right.  It gets the muck, the junk and the grime out of everyday living – and replaces it with generosity and compassion.  The reason why I know I have this in adundance?  It’s quite simple:  Every thing that has hurt me in my past?  I’ve learned from it.  All the experiences that didn’t go my way?  I benefitted from it and it’s shaped me into the human being I’m becoming.  The overall lesson?  We can’t live our lives in fear.  For once we do?  Opportunities will leave as soon as they arrive.  We live in faith – faith that the right thing will occur, faith that I have the strength to continue fighting the good fight, faith that others will see the light that shines within me - and your faith will be thusly rewarded!

Forgiving someone special allowed for that person to come back into my life with no guilt, no punishment, no judgement.  Just a simple – lesson learned.  Now – I have even more love to give you!