They say that in order to truly be a winner in life, you must taste defeat. That every person who’s achieved something remarkable had to pay a heavy price on the road there. That you must sacrifice in order to be truly happy.
I’ve paid my dues in music. I’ve paid my dues in friendship. I’ve even paid my dues in intimacy. All have not fulfilled me in the way I have always felt I deserved. So it has forced me to ask this question about myself: Am I worth having happiness of any sort in my life? Of any sort? Or do I have to resign myself to just being happy where I find it – and only trust every other living organism but so far?
I would call this depression, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I would call this dejection, but I’ll never deject myself in life. So I’ll call it what it truly is – anger! Anger at myself. Anger at how my life is proceeding. I’ve dealth with how it has proceeded. I’m not angry about that, anymore. It’s about how things are going. Let’s look at things:
Two months ago, I was on a natural high. I just completed the production of my latest LP, “Along The Esplanade.” All that was left was to record the vocals. However, things have gone downhill, since then. The feeling to produce other material has decreased. The positive inertia that I had in May is almost flatline just two months later. I’ve began to shop my material in June, and I haven’t heard a response in return. I know that I was born to do this in life. I don’t nearly feel as confident even in the midst of every other area in my life. In music? I can literally see, feel, touch and be at one with the beauty. I’ve made a decision in order to make this an even easier proposition for me, but the going is hard – and only bound to get harder. Right now? I feel like it’s not good enough.
My life without music is not a life, at all, for me. I deferred music in my life for so long that I forgot how to live. I’ve worked on this talent for many years. This is not an overnight process, but that door seems ever elusive to crack open. All I need is a crack. I don’t need anything else. Just a crack – and I’ll be more than ready to do what I was born to do – and that’s bless this world with the gift God granted me. To sit on it would defy God and would stifle me. It took many years, many horrible relationships and a divorce to embrace that. Yet, and still, my life is not good enough.
Intimacy. Now there’s a complicated issue. I have rapport with a woman where we both know it’s going nowhere beyond where we stand, now. I guess I have to use that as practice for the next woman. Then, I have emotions for another woman the likes of which I’ve never felt before – nor will I ever feel again. I know, because my bones ache from it. Such a harsh thing, life. All you do is show someone your genuine interest and humanity. Yet, because they want to see the worst in people, you either become ovberlooked or ignored – one or the other. Last month, a friend of mine said it – and my pride wanted to deny it, but my soul took over. I am in love with this woman. What hurts is that I can’t say it until the time is right. It’s long from being right, now. What sucks is that I have to allow her to process the pain she feels and risk having someone else reap the benefits of my hard-earned, well-timed efforts in showing what I truly feel. My friend also said, “Back up, but don’t back down.” Hard to do – especially when you want to turn to this person feeling the way I do, now. However, just like her with me, I don’t want to burden her with how I feel, right now. She has too many worries to concern herself with me. I know that’s how she feels with me – too many irons in my fire to concern myself with her problems.
You guessed it – I feel that I’m not good enough.
Well, dammit! I’m not good enough – but I’m better than advertised! This must be a process where I have to become stronger, become more determined, become more steely and become more resolute. I have to understand that things aren’t always going to go my way – but they will always do so at the most important and critical juncture: The end of the journey! I can’t allow setbacks to become points of defeat. I can’t allow the many “no’s” stop me from what I know I’m truly destined to do. I can’t allow the anger that I feel for all these scenarios stop me from living the life I was so destined to experience. John Witherspoon said it best in a comedy show he hosted last year: “If you have a dream, you must pursue it no matter what. I drove from Detroit to LA with my Ford Mustang leaking oil and transmission fluid to become the multi-thousandaire that I am, now!” It’s a very powerful message, but one that rings so true. Nothing can stop me. Nothing can deter me. I have to be even more resolute in knowing that I am going to get to where I am destined to be. If that means no TV, no movies, the bare essentials for eating and living in order to get to where I deserve to go? Then so be it! That’s what I have to do.
More than fame. More than fortune. More than recognition. MOre than money. More than even love. The one thing I want to be more than anything in this world? Is happy. I want to be happy in this life. That trumps every damn thing else! I want to be happy when I grow up. I want to be happy when I succeed. I want to be happy when I retire. I want to happy when I die. Everything else is supplementary. MY primary goal is happiness. And I know, for sure – I’m good enough for that!
